Recently in Humor Category
"Old Johnny Boy is going to take you to a place even a one eyed leper can get laid .... Craigslist" - Johnny Drama
Some humor from the Inbox ....
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had
to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
Tee Hee :)
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
From an e-mail I got forwarded to me. Even if it isn't true, I've seen similar ones that are.
Friends, Some of you may remember my ex-girlfriend Sarah. I recently received a letter from her. I would appreciate it if you would take the time to read it and review my response. I hope all of you are well.
May 23, 2005
I have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving closure of our relationship. It is time for me to seek this. I have gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness. It is now time for me to close this chapter of my life. I am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back. In my professional life I have done this, but my personal life struggles. For so long I/We were "Sarah and Davey", that it is hard to gain my own identity back. I am not worried about my career; I will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. I am just stunted by my personal life. I am ready to release you from my life. I also on a weekly basis encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion about you. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I do have a proposal on how to handle this. I am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence. As to how to deal with it, I propose the following: 1. I've heard you have an apartment on the West side. You need to move out of the West side of Indianapolis, this has always been my side of town, I own a house here, and do not rent like you. I grew up here, and always want to live here. I would prefer if you were to leave Indianapolis all together, but I know this is more than I can ask. I do not want to risk running into you at any store. 2. We should officially divide our friends. Particularly Jim, Jillian, Amy, and Ed. You should write them, thanking them for the opportunity to be their friend and explain why you can no longer be in contact with them. I can provide you with addresses, if you need. 3. I will stay out of Republican politics. I promise not to get involved with any Republican politics, unless my father runs for judge, and than I reserve the right to work on his campaign. 4. I would like you to not have anything to do with all things Cathedral. I feel I should have ownership of the school since my mother works there and my brother and sisters went there. You are more tied to Wabash. This should be where you dedicate your alumni status. I will be involved in Cathedral. When the time of reunions comes up, I am willing to say that you can have the reunions ending in "0" years and I will take the"5" years. So you can have 10 years and I will take 25 years. 5. I will avoid Wabash contacts. The few guys from the house I still speak to on a rare basis, I will not. I will also discourage any male offspring I have from attending Wabash. I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I feel they are for the best. I do not ever really wish to see you again. I know that this will of course happen beyond my control, but I think we should do our best to avoid what we can. It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time to respond. This is my last request of you. With fondness, Sarah
May 31, 2005
Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago. Knowing that and taking into consideration you believe me to be a cold, career focused, ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think I would take the time to think about you or agree to your proposal? But since I clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment to review some comments and counterproposals I have crafted. 1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to move RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO YOU. After that deep desire subsides, I will vacate the Westside and return to my roots: The Snooty Northside, as you used to call it. However, since I was born on the Northside and I have Northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to the North. This includes: Living on the Northside, living on the Northeastside, walking down North Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly the Minnesota North Stars), wearing North Face apparel or telling your children that Santa lives at the North Pole. 1 (B). I was born in Indianapolis before you were so I should really get to determine who stays and who goes. In my benevolence I will let you exist here only within the St. Michael's Parish boundary (MLK Dr. to High School Rd. and 56th Street to 10th St.) We will call this the SarahZone. This should be acceptable for you as your family lives across the street and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience store, your place of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can be made with my expressed written consent. You will be required to display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to travel beyond the SarahZone. 2. I haven't talked to your friends since we broke up. I think they got the message. However since we apparently are still in fourth grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at recess so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren't my friends anymore. Do you agree? _______Yes ________No________Maybe 2 (B). One of the few times you let us do something fun, we visited some of my family friends on Geist. It was about eight years ago. We enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a pre-500 party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that ever happened. Please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas, pool chlorine, air conditio ning Freon, Dr. Pepper and anything else you consumed while you were there. I don't have their address anymore, you can look it up. 3. Please let me know when your father runs for anything. I'm going to run against him. 3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican politics. Your heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. I am very involved in ice hockey. I play recreationally and coach a youth team in the winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being involved in all things related to ice and ice hockey . You can use those instant first aid coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on. Also, my parents have been very involved with the Indianapolis 500 Festival for nearly 20 years. The month of May is really a big month for us. While I am not able to honor your request of moving out of Indianapolis, I would ask that you just leave town during May. With 250,000 fans going to the race and 35,000 runners in the Mini-Marathon, I don't want to run the risk of bumping into you. I know your birthday is in May, but man , I just don't care. 4. Christ, I don't have the energy for this one. 5. If any of my friends from Wabash actually still talk to you, they are fired as friends. 5 (B). I'm not going to tell my kids anything about you. But speaking of kids, it would be okay with me if my son was a crack addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became their dealer. In closing, I will never make decisions about my life or my family based on whether I might run into you at the store. I am now convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will spontaneously combust. I wish you the best of luck find a spouse. Seriously. It won't be easy to find a person who is willing to spend the rest of his life raising children and making decisions based on your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act like a rational human being.
All my best,
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.
Just got an IM from a buddy that said:
help! I was chewing on a paperclip and it got stuck in my tongue piercing
I found it rather hilarious.
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened but, being a solid character and good man, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and some more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."
This is one of the funniest things I have heard in a while.
A buddy of mine works in IT. One of the people at his work asked for some information. He told the person he would need to come pick it up. This is about 200 feet from his desk. The person said to send someone over. They said no, come pick it up. The person persisted. So, they sent someone over:
System Administators are not your personal slaves, learn the lesson now or you could be the next one with a monkey at your desk.
A little boy asked, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The Dad says, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs.Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So,frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then, the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
or maybe they want to be associated with another OS. But they sure want to be geeks.
- Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
- Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
- The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse."
- Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
- The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
- Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men have jobs."
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend,but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes
The second floor sign reads:
"Floor 2-These men have jobs and love kids.
"The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
"Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
"Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework."
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: "
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
An oldie, but fits well with the big holiday this week (Yes, I'm like the guys on the Guinness commercials)
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
One site I have recently learned about is gapingvoid. Hugh, the author of the site, write comics (which he also sells as the back of business cards) that are just HILARIOUS. He throws away the political correctness and just says what's on his mind and it turns out to produce some HILARIOUS comics. You should definitely check it out.
Meanwhile, I will go run and hide from any females who may stumble across my blog today :)
Just got this in e-mail:
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee's jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using (autographed Nomar) baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know crap about shark fishing.... how's the bait holding up?"
"Everyone is trying to beat the heat. Everyone except France, they immediately surrendered to the heat"
Got this in email thought I would pass it along:
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE African American guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude
kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's
wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY
did you say to me?"
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face. I figured I'd
just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm
7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3
pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds. My name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."
The professor then picked up a jar of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar and of course the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand. The students laughed.
"Now", said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
President Bush isn't only unhappy that incorrect information got in to his State of the Union, but he's also annoyed because it took him days to learn how to pronounce Uranium.
Bahahahhaha. Gotta love Dave.
(not exactly what he said, but paraphrased :)
Just got this in email.
I've seen the first set before, but never the second.
REJECTED DR. SEUSS TITLES
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the ##### Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
"Little Golden Books That Never Made It"
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Puppys Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "top o'the morning to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," repliesTiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice
cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
This may very well be the new definition of bitter. (Though rather amusing in some respects :)
But, I'd never seen it and it had me laughing for a while. And I thought I had had bad neighbors.
New commercial for new PowerBook versions. Very amusing.
Ya know, I knew people did not like Clear Channel, but this is just pushing it.
This is some of the funniest stuff I have seen in a while.
Amusing email I just got:
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Have a nice weekend!
See, black people like other white people too, not just me, just check out Black People Love Us!.
Tongue planted firmly in cheek.